Excelsior Springs Weekly Horoscopes

Brought to you by Molly Roberts Studio and Metaphysical, 253 E Broadway, downtown Excelsior Springs

The heat index may be high, but so are the chances your week gets interesting. From watermelon-sized sweat drops to wine tours that double as hydration plans, here’s what the stars (and local events) have cooked up for you in Excelsior Springs.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You could join the Team 5kRunning/Walking Group, but let’s be honest—you’re breaking a sweat just thinking about it. Maybe just stand by the Toddler Swim pool and pretend you’re “hydrating through osmosis.”

Hot Tip: The heat index doesn’t care about your competitive streak. Stay shady, Aries.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Back-to-school season is here, and you’re mostly excited about the Teacher Happy Hour at Shamrock Hills—education deserves respect, but margaritas deserve more. Balance it out with Chair Fitness so you can tell people you worked out while sitting down.

Hot Tip: Farmers Market veggies double as ice packs. Multitask, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your week is pure chaos: WERQ Fitness, Casa Di Vite Chess Club, Open Mic Night—because who else could burn calories, recite poetry, and trash-talk a rook all in the same day?

Hot Tip: If the heat makes you forget your punchline on stage, just blame Mercury retrograde. Always works.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You’re feeling nostalgic, so naturally you’re lurking at ESSD Open Houses, pretending you remember algebra. Then you’ll cry at Parents as Teachers Playdates because babies are cute, and the AC is free.

Hot Tip: The only safe emotional outlet this week? Smashing Opportunities at Rage Cave.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You live for drama, so you’re thriving at Luau Party and Rumba Class like every step is Broadway. Your encore? Winning Music Bingo at Fence Stile because you absolutely knew that was “Sweet Caroline.”

Hot Tip: Don’t confuse Harvest Party wine with hydration.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You love order, but even you can’t spreadsheet the extreme heat index into submission. So you’ll hide in Kids Art Workshop critiquing finger paintings, then politely attend Beekeeping Club because bees, unlike humans, actually work together.

Hot Tip: “Practical hydration” doesn’t mean wine. Or does it?

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You’re torn between Swing Class and BYOC Crafting Day, because both sound like prime Instagram content. Split the difference: swing first, craft later, and caption it “balanced lifestyle.”

Hot Tip: Your outfit will melt before you do. Choose wisely.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

At Open Paint Night at The Atlas, your canvas screams “emotional turbulence with a touch of menace.” Then you cool down with The Emerald Wine Experience, where you brood silently in the corner like a misunderstood villain.

Hot Tip: If someone asks about your art, say, “It’s about the heat.”

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Adventure calls—you’re hitting the Trolley Wine Tour like it’s your personal quest. Just pace yourself or you’ll end up salsa-ing through Movie in the Park to The Wild Robot soundtrack.

Hot Tip: You cannot “out-drink” the heat index. Don’t try.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

While others wilt, you’re power-planning the Hospital Board Meeting and the Planning and Zoning Meeting because nothing screams “summer fun” like Robert’s Rules of Order. Reward yourself with Happy Hour at The Candle Bar, where at least the wax doesn’t melt as fast as you do.

Hot Tip: Air conditioning is a valid career goal.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You’re vibing at Community Resource Fairs, Talented Tots Open House, and Ernie Webb’s Book Signing because you live for community connections. Then you’ll blow everyone’s mind at Open Mic Night with a poem about sweat.

Hot Tip: Stay hydrated or your performance becomes “experimental theater.”

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You’re floating between Toddler Swim, Yoga Foundations, and Family Workout like the delicate water sign you are—until you end up ugly crying at “Goodbye, Butterfly” Book Signing because feelings are your cardio.

Hot Tip: Your aura is 90% humidity this week. Embrace it.