Excelsior Springs Weekly Horoscopes

Brought to you by Molly Roberts Studio and Metaphysical, 253 E Broadway, downtown Excelsior Springs

The town slows down, the lights turn on, and everyone pretends they aren’t eating cookies for breakfast. Drive safely, hug kindly, and remember: if all else fails, Lane of Lights is always open.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You’ll kick off the week at the Team 5k Running Group like you’re training for Santa’s Naughty List Olympics. By Friday, you’ll be aggressively releasing feelings at Smashing Opportunities at Rage Cave.

Cosmic Tip: Christmas Eve services are not competitive events. Please lower your intensity.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You’re emotionally attached to Happy Hour at The Candle Bar, and honestly, that’s fair. Comfort, warmth, and absolutely no cardio.

Cosmic Tip: Lane of Lights is best enjoyed slowly… preferably with snacks.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You’ll bounce between Open Mic Night, Tea and Tarot, and telling strangers at Santa at The Springs Restaurant your life story.

Cosmic Tip: Santa does not need podcast-length explanations.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You’ll cry at Hall of Trees, again during Christmas Eve Service, and once more while driving through Lane of Lights “just to feel something.”

Cosmic Tip: Emotional hydration counts. Cocoa helps.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will go see Santa at The Springs Restaurant fully expecting recognition. You will not get it.

Cosmic Tip: If you sing at Open Mic Night, remember: Christmas cheer ≠ volume.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You are quietly thriving at Free Senior Fitness Classes, judging form while pretending not to. Later, you’ll attend Making Peace and mentally reorganize the discussion points.

Cosmic Tip: Let one thing be imperfect. Just one.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You can’t choose between Movement and Mindful Yoga, Mid-Week Recharge Yoga, or doing nothing — so naturally, you do all three poorly.

Cosmic Tip: Christmas balance is a myth. Accept it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You’re mysterious at Tea and Tarot, intense at Smashing Opportunities, and absolutely unreadable at Christmas dinner.

Cosmic Tip: Not every silence needs to be ominous.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You’ll swear you’re “just stopping by” ESports Open Play, then lose three hours playing Fortnite or Rocket League.

Cosmic Tip: Lane of Lights is not a race. Please stop riding folks bumpers.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You’re attending meetings, workouts, and services with spreadsheet-level commitment. Even Christmas has a schedule.

Cosmic Tip: You’re allowed to relax. The calendar won’t collapse.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You’ll float between Tea and Tarot, Yoga, and existential thoughts about Christmas consumerism.

Cosmic Tip: It’s okay to enjoy things without deconstructing them.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are emotionally invested in Toddler Swim, Hall of Trees, and literally any candle flame you see this week.

Cosmic Tip: Crying during Lane of Lights is normal. Sob responsibly.